Stormy Weather

I've been getting a lot of it lately, it's pretty tiring the sun never seeming to want to shine..... just a lot of dark rain clouds and sticky warm nights.

There has been a lot of stormy weather in my life this past year. Most recently the passing of my Grandma. She's was one of the most amazing, crazy, stubborn, funny ladies I have ever known. Instead of flipping people off she would give you the pinkie in place of her middle finger. When my grandpa would tell me the story of how he first met her she'd smile and then get all serious and slap my grandpa on the arm and say "Stop it Bill" and stick out her tongue as he continued to tell the story. Or when my grandpa would tell us a joke for the billionth time she'd flash her fingers and make faces at him but yet she would still laugh at the punch-line no matter if she already knew it. She made the best iced tea I have ever tasted on the planet and taught me how to make it just the same. We would have KFC at least once a week just because it was her favorite. She would randomly take me to Baskin Robins 31 flavors and always get a banana spilt. She'd take me shopping and let me get anything I wanted and always buy my a cheese on a stick with a large lemonade and usually drink most of it, we would get home from shopping and she'd say take that upstairs... and don't tell your grandpa. She was absolutely amazing and I wish everyone I know knew my grandma.

She instantly adopted Deanna as her other grandchild when we brought her on a trip for my College Softball Try-out two summers ago. She fell in love with her and it was to me and Deanna that she said her few last words to and they were "I Love You" I called her Sunday night and got to hear her tell me as plain as day that she loved me, and she passed away early Monday Morning.

There are so many things I could share about my Grandma but this would be super super long. Not that I mind at all. I feel so blessed I got to spend my whole first year of college with her and my grandpa. It was one of the most eye-opening experiences of my life. I learned how strong both of them were in the short time I was there. They drove me bonkers and absolutely nuts but I wouldn't trade that one year for anything else in the entire world.

And I guess there is stormy weather in everyone's life... and only we have the choice to over-come the bad and make the good be the sun that out shines all of the horribleness that comes to us.

This Poem was apart of my Grandma's funeral and I believe its true.

God saw you getting tired
and a cure was not meant to be,
So he put his arms around you
and whispered "Come to Me".
With tearful eyes we watched you,
as we saw you pass away.
Although we loved you deeply,
we could not make you stay.
Your Golden Heart stopped beating,
hard working hands at rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us,
He only takes the best.

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.
-- Gilda Radner

Sometimes you have to say goodbye.

I don't want to but I guess it's time, My grandma passed away Monday Morning, I think I'm still in denial I don't want it to be true. I spent my whole first year of college with her, nagging at me to get out of bed and go to class, sneaking me money so grandpa wouldn't see it, washing my softball uniform, making me eat so much food, and taking me out for ice cream or shopping just because. She was the most amazing woman always with something to say. She always had a snappy comeback and sometime when she didn't she'd whole up her pinkie as a signal she was flipping you off or if you really made her mad she'd hold up all of her fingers and say "here's a whole weeks worth." I'm not really sure what to do know its crazy that I can't just pick up the phone and call her. And I don't know why but people that I don't even know are telling me I'm sorry to hear about your Grandma and I know how you feel, and I'm like oh really did you know my grandma, No, well then you don't know how I feel. Maybe thats a bit harsh and I know people are trying to be nice and understanding but sometimes it irks me off and I just want to give them the pinkie.

My mom's been out there for almost 3 weeks and she was there with her when she died. The whole family is flying out tomorrow. Including Cameron, she's bailing out of Canada for a few days and then heading back out there after everything. The funerals on Friday.... I've never been to a funeral, I'm not sure what to do or expect. But I guess I'll just have to go with the flow on this. Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.

Love You Grandma!

If tears could build a stairway,
And memories a lane,
I'd walk right up to Heaven
And bring you home again.

Perfectly Lonely?

I can't quite wrap my head around what I'm feeling. Its always a random mix of emotions and I can't pick one out. Sometimes I feel like such a girl and I hate it... but then again thats what I am. I find myself feeling lonely quite often, no matter where I am. Although I have been by myself a lot lately and I don't do anything I sit and think or sit and do school work or I just sit. I feel like time is passing to slowly for me and I just want this whole stupid summer to be over. I want to get away from everything and leave shit behind.

I'm trying to keep a positive attitude but I'm in the mood that says fuck it all. I just want to feel more like my old self. I need to be in the city, I need to be there where I can lose myself and lose my senses for awhile. I want to get lost in the lights and get lost in the sights and the people. I want to feel like nothing will ever stop and that things can last forever. I want to feel crazy free and jump the turn style or ride a city bus or walk around some place I've never been.

I want to forget all the stupid things that have happened in the past and I want to do something completely crazy, I want to sky dive or bungee jump I don't care just something to feel a crazy rush. I want someone to look at me and say you're beautiful. I want to stop telling myself that everything's gonna be okay and I just want it to be okay. I want things to stop turning out for the worst. I want and need all these things but none of them have any sense of happening.

I feel like crying but no tears come out.... I think I'm immune to tears or crying.

I wish my grandma would get better and everything all the cancer would go away, I don't want her to die, but everyday seems like a struggle for her to stay alive. She's one of the strongest woman I know next to my mom, but strength can only last so long. I don't know what I will do without her even though she's 1500 miles away from me I feel her close to me. There are just so many built up emotions running through me that I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and keep screaming until I can't anymore. My heads a jumbled mess and I don't remember the last time it wasn't. I thought I had everything set and things where going great but here I am again right back down to the place I was before.

I'm ready for a new life, I'm ready for a new beginning, I'm ready for new people, I'm ready for new places, lets face it I'm ready for NEW.

I Have Little Answers.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that my life is strategically mapped out somewhere in my brain, carefully locked up, releasing information, ideas, and plans only when needed; not any sooner or later.

I believe that there are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The “failed” experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately “work.” Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson. Learning lessons does not end. There’s no part of life that doesn’t contain its lessons. If you’re alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned. There is no better a place than “here.” When your “there” has become a “here”, you will simply obtain another “there” that will again look better than “here. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.Your answers lie within you. The answers to life’s questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

Its hard for all this to process sometimes, with all the crazy things that seem to be happening to me and to the people I love I wonder if sometimes there really are no answers and that life is just a big game that plays with my emotions on a constant basis. I find myself questioning a lot of things lately and finding no answers, well the answers haven't found me yet. I can't open myself up and sometimes it bothers me, but thats just how I am. I'm always leaving and finding somewhere new to be. I can't seem to stay in one place for to long. I'm restless.

I've had a few close people to me and my family is included in that mix. I don't know what I would do without them. They are the most important thing to me. I was blessed to meet someone during my first year of college that is so amazing and always there for me. She was one of the first person I truly let in to my life and she in turn let me into hers. She is very important to me and although she is far away and going through so much she is always there for me to text or call or whatever.

I don't why I keep second guessing myself about things usually I'm a go get it and if it doesn't work out well I'll cross that bridge when I get there. Lately I keep hearing the voice in my head telling me to wait it out or to hold out or to be cautious. And I'm at the point in my life where I'm ready to say screw it throw caution to the wind and just do everything I want to do.

But enough of my deep thought

I start my summer classes in approximately 5 hours... yep :)

I am registered for classes for the fall, my fasfa is complete, my housing is complete, and I head down there for my transfer orientation in July its pretty exciting and I cannot wait for August! I am scheduling meeting with my advisor and the softball coach. Its intense but I am so so ready!

Hello's Are Hard, Goodbye's Are Easy.

I keep thinking things are going to get easier. But who am I kidding life isn't easy and it isn't going to be. I find that I will never understand the full extent of things and even then I do not give up in trying to figure out endings and pick things out that may have important significance.

I'm trying to recall when things got hard and things started to confuse me and when I became such a dull headed idiot. When did friendships become so strained and hello's became harder than goodbyes. I'm so accustomed to goodbye's it seems, which when I really think about it is so sad. I barely allow my self to open up cause I'm always ready for someone to leave or for me to leave. Maybe its because I'm so crazy and I've never been one for staying in a single place for to long. I'm a restless soul by nature I like new things, new places, new people and new disasters. I'm a fan of new beginning and change and a hater of things that stay the same. But yet I sometimes long for things to go back to there old ways. Why is that?

there are so many different things now in my life, and i love them, i love the mystery of my future and of the unknown. i think about my past sometimes and i used to hash it over in my head and want to take things back. but if i did i wouldn't be who i am today or where i am today. someone said things happen for a reason, i believe that, every word. even though sometimes we feel that the bad is the only thing that is happening to us, the good things find its way through. the good moments that make you feel special and make the bad things seem insignificant.

i figured out that i was trying to find myself through other people for the longest time. and i got to the point where i was so lost that i couldn't get from point a to point b. after a while i realized i'm the only one who can be me and though i may be blunt, straight forward and a bit to truthful sometimes qualities that people seem to really dislike. I really don't care what others think. i've been pushed to the point past breaking and i've come up so much better of a person than i used to be. i am more free and so content with the person I am that if people don't like me than thats to bad for them. i'm not going to change for anyone or anything.

"About all you can do in life is be who you are. Some people will love you for you. Most will love you for what you can do for them, and some won’t like you at all.” – Rita Mae Brown

The End Is Where We Start From

I finally got the verdict on my future and I am glad to say that I am making a new start in a new state this coming fall. I am more than ready for all the craziness to begin. I'm slightly nervous, but I hear nervousness is a good sign.

I'm getting more and more anxious for my sisters departure to Alaska, I have to spend a whole summer without her. I'm not quite sure what to do about it, I mean I'm going to be busy with school and a job but yet I'm going to miss her a lot. All of crazy late night talks and everything else in between.

I'm so proud of her though she is taking this huge leap and doing something amazing for herself and for other people as well. It will be absolutely amazing and I know she is going to come back so different, but so much wiser.

So for the next couple of weeks I just got to get ready for summer classes and then ready to move myself to a brand new state with a new college and new starts. I'm overwhelmed with excitement. I've been patient and good things finally came. This makes all the bad things that have happened the past couple of months seem so small and so pointless. I am so happy. Here's to moving on!

" The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are."

Change Is The Only Constant.

Everyday I'm getting close to my future... although I am far from knowing what's to come for me and I have a little fear for the unknown. I've been waiting around for a letter to arrive in my mailbox for the past week, I am nervous with anticipation and I constantly check the mailbox and nothing has arrived yet. Leaving me completely frustrated but I guess I just need to be patience and good things will come for me.

What do you do when you have no words for someone when you don't want to apologize and you don't want to play nice and you want to use your fist. I'm by nature a loud, outspoken, sometimes obnoxious person. I don't know how much longer I can control my outburst from happening, but people tell me not to get involved and that everything will blow over.

I've been avoiding a lot of things that I should do a lot of bridges that I need to mend but frankly I don't give a damn and I'd like to leave them burned. But I know deep down thats wrong. I'm having trouble grasping the fact that the people I used to love and know have changed so much, but I guess I have changed as well. I've done a lot of stupid shit this past year and I've learned from the mistakes I made. But I have yet to apologize to some of the people I hurt. Sometimes I think they deserved it they hurt me worse, but I know that, that shouldn't be crossing my mind. But still I can't help it sometimes.

It feels like I've fighting round after round with myself about things and I've come to the conclusion that letting everything go would be the best thing for me. I know I'm leaving Iowa for good very soon, and why should I dwell on the things that go on around here when I'll be miles away making a life for myself and the petty people that have been trying to stomp me under their boot will be stuck around here. I've been dreaming a lot and my dreams have been amazing and filled with things that are bound to happen soon and in the future. I am so ready I can barely wait any longer for things to come together.

“Everything in life is connected somehow. You may have to dig deep to find it but its there. Everything is the same even though its different. Somehow everything connects back with your life. The faces in certain places may be different, but the situation is the same. Irony is a hidden factor that creeps around us in life, letting its presence felt only after it has left. Picture back to a year ago and the situation you were in. Look at how things are different yet somehow everything it still in someway cognate. Everything connects together to form the balance of life, to maintain structure. Change is and always will be inevitable, but everything is relative, and all the moments and times in your life will come back around again, you just might find yourself on the other side of the coin. Things are always changing, as fast as everything stays the same.”

Pull Myself Together.

Pull Myself Together (Don't Hate Me)

The Rocket Summer

Pretty mess, with a pretty voice

Humming in my ear,

drowning out the world's noise

Such a pretty one, such a mixed up one

I once was lost, then I was found

I wanna make things better the second time around

What a precious sound

Hearing the words a second time around

And how will you understand?

As if I would back then.

How will they understand,

that's who I was not who I am?

And I'm not a perfect soul,

and I'll fall again, I know.

I must pull myself together

This is a brand new day

Pull myself away from my mistakes

Pull myself together,

It's time to let the waves pull me, take me away

And I know for you this must be hard,

giving me a second start

And I know I'm a little bit late

but please don't hate, hate me

Don't hate, hate me

Chain of lies, chain of events

The keys are in your reach,

but not in your hands

You don't have to be

a quote good unquote person to be let free

And how will you understand?

As if I would back then.

How will they understand,

that's who I was not who I am?

And I'm not a perfect soul,

and I'll fall again, I know, but oh

I must pull myself together

This is a brand new day

Pull myself away from my mistakes

Pull myself together,

It's time to let the waves just take me, pull me away

And I know for you this must be hard,

giving me a second start

And I know I'm a little bit late

but please don't hate, hate me

Don't hate, hate me

So pull myself together

This is a brand new day

Pull myself away from my mistakes

Pull myself together,

It's time to let the waves just take me, pull me away

And I know for you this must be hard,

giving me a second start

And I know I'm a little bit late

but please don't hate, hate me

Don't hate, hate me

The grace you know you're yearning for

is right here where you're at

This song is so amazing. If you have never listened to the Rocket Summer I urge to give him a listen he is absolutely amazing his lyrics are beautiful.

To the few people that read what I write, thank you. I am not gifted with the ways of words but I do have my moments although somethings of what I write or say are not my proudest moments... most of the time I say something stupid or mean. But to those of you who do catch me on my better days I hope my words ring true to your ears and somehow help you with whatever it is you may be going through, may it be a hard time or an amazing event in your life.

I am far from perfect and sometimes I let my emotions get the best of me and I do things without thinking, its something that I am continuously working on... believe me I faulter many times. But thats what forgiveness is about... another thing that I am continuously working on. I have a tendency to hold grudges and not let things go its a part of who I am unfortunately. I work on it daily and most of the time I slip up and end up hurting the people closest to me. As I said I am a work in progress so please have patience with me.

Two of my closest friends have been dealing with a lot lately and they share the things that are burdening them with me, I feel blessed that they have chosen me to share their hardships and in return they share mine. I feel there hardships and mine rolled into one which is a lot but I wouldn't have it any other way. So to help them and me I write everything that comes from my heart to my head in this blog as a way to free up some space. I've learned that the internet is a very powerful tool nothing is really ever private and sometimes you forget that. I do not regret starting this blog it has given me an outlet for things I can't say out loud, I tend to better at translating things to paper.

I am so blessed to the people I have in my life they are so good to me and I continuously thank God for them, because without people who care about you and love you life is really meaningless.

"A friend loves at all times, and is born, as is a brother, for adversity."- Proverbs 17: 17

We Find Ourselves At An Impass.

I find myself at an impass, again I am for going things that mean a lot to me once again to make someone that I don't even like happy. And we are all at fault for the things we do I will not blame one person in this matter. For we are all equally to blame. I feel a heavy burden for the things I may have done or may not have done. Were we stupid in how we handle this? My answer Hell yes we where down right idiotic, I'm not saying we should have stood in a circle and held hands and sang Kumbiya cause that wouldn't have worked any better.

I guess there where certain things done to each person that shouldn't have been, certain things written that shouldn't have been.... It's a long road of he said she said or I wrote they wrote. And it all comes down to one stupid moment were we all stopped pretending and let everything we where feeling be known. I'm not saying we should have kept on the way we were going and pretending like nothing was wrong but maybe taking a better path to figuring things out.

More to the point of what I'm trying to say is that I surrender every part of what once was that I was clinging to I relinquish to you. You win as simple as that. And as far as I'm concerned he is not my best friend I don't even know that person anymore and quite frankly I don't want to know him.

I'll take a step back and admit that I was wrong in this whole matter I was desperately clinging to something that had long gone left me. I tired to make it go back to the way it was but I'm alright and I'm moving on with my life. I may have been ridiculous in my attempt to keep a friendship alive that really I was the only one that wanted it. But you know what I'm over it, I made mistakes I happily admit that. And I never thought I'd say this but you are most certainly right most of the pain I am feeling I brought on myself, I let myself seeth and seeth until I couldn't come up for air. I had never suffered such a loss in my life and the pain was the only thing that let me know it was really happening and that I wasn't imagining it.

And I do thank you for using the things you write to wake me from the most certain piece of a mess I was. Let's not be frank I read what you write and you read what I write. I enjoy reading what you have to say a lot of is filled with wisdom and light. And I realize that the dark parts that you write are directed towards me and my last intention is to make anyone feel dark and pain cause I wouldn't wish that on anyone, no matter how much we may not like each other or how great our differences are no one deserves to hurt.

I am truly happy for the first time in my life a lot of things have changed for me and I've met someone special who makes me feel good about myself and he teaches me things I would never know otherwise. I've got a lot of things ahead of me that are looking great and I'm excited about it. I'm glad to hear that you are happy and that the both of you are happy. Why would I want you guys to not be happy? But just so you know nothing will change the love I have for that family, they are one of the most amazing families I have ever known and I've grown to love and cherish every part of them, every single one of them will always and forever hold a place in my heart. So again thank you for helping me realize how stupid I was being on the matter.

I found myself at a fork in the road and one was leading me down the path of the past and the other the future, I will and always will choose the path that leads me to the future, for we cannot change the past, we cannot change the events from the past. And we cannot know how much or how little the words we write or say will impact someone significantly.

" Forgiving and letting go are on our steps to happiness."

I choose to forgive myself for my actions, because I cannot forgive others before I am fully forgiven by myself.

We Run The Risk Of Losing Ourselves.

My mind has been pretty restless the past couple of nights. I've been trying to come to terms that I thought I'd already moved past and as the future looms over me I find myself constantly wondering what if this happens or what if that happens, or what if I wouldn't have done that would things be the same?

I am continuously pushing these thoughts aside to make room but yet they always seem to pop up. I lay down to go to sleep and I shut my eyes and BAM there they are those little annoying thoughts.

I finished all of my paper work for fall and now I am waiting the arrival of my fate in the form of either an acceptance letter or a non-acceptance letter. I was proud with all the work I did and how much work I put into the letter I wrote and everything else surrounding this huge life changing matter. But once everything was sealed, sent, and finalized my head began to swarm with questions What if I don't get in? I, the queen of back up plans have none this time.

I'm nervous as hell. My dad told me don't worry about it you are going to get in, him being so sure of it makes me feel better. But yet I still think about it. I don't know if anyone beside me has ever gotten a decline letter from college but believe me reading those words that all your hopes and dreams just got flushed down the toilet is one of the suckest things ever!

Other things that have been popping into my head have to do with old subjects that I get tired of thinking of but they won't leave me alone. I had a break down in Wal-mart not to long ago right in the middle of the freaking movie isle I passed by a familiar movie and stop to take a second glance then all of a sudden I got flooded with a memory I wasn't expecting and I dropped everything and starting crying hysterically.... I am not known to cry, I hardly ever do. It was surprise for me as I'm sure for the other people in close proximity of me.

But I guess holding back all of my emotions everything was bound to come spilling out at one time. But man was this terrible I had to pick everything up off the floor including myself and walk my hysterical ass to my car. I was coughing and heaving and snot was flying out of my nose my face and hair was smeared and plastered with tears. It was absolutely ridiculous. I kept thinking to myself what is going on with me. I turned on my car and drove to the river. I sat on the bank for about an hour and just screamed and screamed and screamed.

I then went home and passed out until 4 p.m. the next day. I woke up exhausted and overwhelmed and I started crying again. I have never cried so much in my life I thought I was dying or at the very least going to drown myself in my pillow with tears, spit, and snot. The things I thought I had moved on from dropped the hammer on me hard and sent me over the edge I was already teetering on.

I kind of laugh at myself now cause I mean seriously how ridiculous can one person get, the one person being me. But yet thats what pain does you lose yourself in its grasp. And this pain had a death grip on me. I just keep thinking to myself when is this thing going to leave me alone. It took a lot to overcome this and yet sometimes I feel myself get caught up in all of it again.

I get reminded of something and then I forget where I am and sit by myself and get lost in the past. It happen more times than I'd like it too.... But I find that there is no way to stop them from coming. I love the old memories but the newer ones are not pretty and they hurt.

I had lunch with one of my best friends the other day and we where doing the you remember the time thing.... And it just hit me again I think she knew because she asked me how are you and other things that had to with it. I told her I was okay and that really I was learning how to move on and get over things I cannot change.

But yet one question still remains do we ever fully move on from things that mean the most to us or do they constantly loom in the corners of our minds and plan sneak attacks at times when we will not expect it. I mean I have never got over the time my 4th grade crush pushed me down a hill and called me ugly. But really its a serious thoughtful provoking question, Do we move on, do we forget?

I guess the best we can do for ourselves is to cover the bad memories and times with the times that made us laugh so hard we peed our pants, or the times our cheeks hurt because looking and talking to them made us smile so much. And if a bad memory looms in the shadows I guess we have to accept the fact that maybe they will always be there and maybe there really is no way to move past the hurt all the way, but everything get better eventually, even though waiting for the eventually part sucks it happens.

"Letting go doesn't mean giving up... it means moving on. It is one of the hardest things a person can do. Starting at birth, we grasp on to anything we can get our hands on, and hold on as if we will cease to exist when we let go. We feel that letting go is giving up, quitting, and that as we all know is cowardly. But as we grow older we are forced to change our way of thinking. We are forced to realize that letting go means accepting things that cannot be. It means maturing and moving on, no matter how hard you have to fight yourself to do so."

For My Best Friend

We all suffer losses in our lives, some have no impact, yet others have such a great impact that they feel as though they have created a giant whole in the center of our lives.

The most devastating thing to lose is love. Love is a one in a kind find and to feel it ripped from your hands with no chance of having it return is one of life's most painful, painful losses.

It may be the love of a parent, sibling, friend, or significant other. No matter who its from it still hurts once its gone. I've been dealing with a lot of losses of love lately, not just my own but my friends losses too. Even though she isn't physically with me I feel her pain the 3,000 miles we are apart and it hurts. It's even worse because I can't be there to give her a hug or just that reassuring smile. Its worse because I know she is hurting and all I can do is try to help her through with my words and my experience of loss.

I can't sugar coat things its not my way of nature, I am blunt person and sometimes people tell me I'm insensitive but would you rather have the truth than a lie. I would! Loss does not go away, it will always be there. The pain may dull but at certain moments in your day, week, or month you feel it. Maybe looking at something that reminded you of the person you lost or just hearing a song on the radio you can always feel it in your heart. It sucks. Time heals all wounds is something I hear often, personally I believe that is the biggest crock of shit. Time dulls all wounds should be what is said. Cause nothing ever goes away fully.

I feel like there is a lot of love being lost recently not just for me but for a lot of the people I know as well. Between parents and their children, between husband and wife, between friends, between significant others. I still try and grasp the concept of saying I Love You to someone. I can't say it that easily, yeah to my family and my 2 or 3 close friends. But to a guy, hell no those words have never crossed my lips.

I'm not very good with my words as it is. But my best friend told me something that is bugging me she said, "I guess he just fell out of love." How do you do that? How does someone stop loving someone else. I can't fathom that. Maybe I'm naive or stupid to think that love is an unconditional thing that once you give to someone there are no take backs.

There might be a lot of incoherent rambling through out this I know but I'm trying to make sense of one of the most confusing subjects in life. Love and broken hearts go hand in hand as sad as it seems. I may not be the smartest person but I do know pain and broken heartedness. And it hurts, if you have never felt it well then you are lucky. Let me give you an example; it feels like someone sets your insides on fire and just watches you burn alive from the inside out. You don't want to eat, you don't sleep, you don't shower. You lay in bed all day listening to music and sometimes watching reruns of the Gilmore Girls.

Losses are apart of life. And people may talk about closure like its an actual thing, a thing that you can hold in the palm of your hand. But closure takes time. Everything takes time. It may be weeks, months, or years but you will feel lighter and pieced together eventually.

You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to things you do not want to feel.

To My Best Friend:

Just know that I love you and I am always here no matter how far away I am, I will always be your best friend and you will always be mine. I have confided things in you that I would trust no other soul with. You shared your secrets and I shared mine and you are always tucked deep in the corners of my heart. I love you unconditionally no matter how broken and hurt you are you are special and strong and you will get through this battle because I believe in you and I will be with you every step of the way.

Late Night Ramblings.....

I've been wanting to paint the past couple of days I've had a crazy urge to pick up a paint brush and get a canvas and just start going crazy on it. Only problem is I hold no paint, no paint brush, and no canvas. So instead I grabbed a Sesame Street coloring book and some crayons.... I felt so free and lost inside that coloring book, I laughed at myself that I was coloring Elmo, Bert and Ernie but yet it was comforting to feel like a little kid again with no cares, no big life changing decisions to make. Just me and my coloring book, nothing else.

I'm only 19 years old but I feel much much older. In my first year and a half of being out of high school I have attended three colleges going on a forth this coming Fall. How insane is that.... I don't know why this is expect I cannot find a place that I could call home. Hell, I could barely call my real home, home anymore. I mean my house and my parents and brother that is my home, were ever they are that is my home. But the surrounding parts that I felt so comfortable in when I was in high school and part of my summer after my first year of college, I feel like a complete and total stranger. I have no desire to see old friends from High School anymore, excluding a few people and they know who they are. But is that bad? Is it bad that I could really care less about any of those people that I basically grew up with. I could say that we all grew apart, but the truth is those people are the same exact people they where in high school, college has not changed them well maybe the consumption of alcohol but other than that they hang out with the exact same people and do the exact same thing. How exciting of a life is that? That's the last thing I want is to be stuck around the same place and people I spent half my life with. Sure visiting is cool, but really what do you have to talk about besides old memories. I went and visited friend's that I went to college with last year out in California and it was like I never left, yeah sure we talked about old times but we went and made new memories and next time I visit we have even more old times to talk about. I feel like around here I can't make new memories, not with the people I graduated with and truth be told I don't want to.

I've been seeing a lot of people I know getting married and engaged or getting a boyfriend/girlfriend.... Me I have no boyfriend I am not married nor engaged. I haven't been in a serious relationship in my life ever. To be honest I am more comfortable by myself. But yet I find my mind wandering to this subject constantly, the subject of meeting a man and falling in love... not that puppy love, that true stuff the stuff that my parents and grandparents have the married for 50 years kind of love. Not to long ago I thought I found the guy I was supposed to marry.... haha, What a load of crap that turned out to be, I won't bore you with the details just that he wasn't who I thought he was and I wasn't willing to change who I was for him. But anyway, more importantly.... I think everyone around me is love-struck crazy, as in they think they are in love and it makes them do crazy, sick, jealous, envious things. I'm in a constant wonder when this magical man of my dreams is gonna come and sweep me off my feet. But then I really think hard about it and it sounds so stupid I don't want a guy to sweep me off my feet. What I want is to knock a guy on his ass and for him to be swept away by me. Which I know one day will happen.

On a happier note I've been doing non-stop paper work for school WOOP WOOP well summer school.... I'm not telling anyone where I'm headed in the Fall until I know for sure.... But man I am so excited.

I think thats all the ramblings I had in my head for the night......

Fake Christians

"The true Christian does not judge, or at least tries not to. The true christian does not condemn others, but rather seeks to help and enlighten. The true Christian does not visit hardship, prejudice, anger or persecution on others. They are selfless, forgiving, and patient. True Christians do what Jesus would have done. These people are rarer then diamonds.

Fake Christians are just regular people who have adopted the label of "Christian." Through this label the judge, ridicule, harass and sometimes even attack others who they feel are not Christian. Sometimes fake Christians will say, well you're going to hell.

Find me one spot in the Bible where Jesus told someone they were going to Hell. He didn't. He said what was required to go to heaven, but he never judged someone himself and told them they where going to Hell.

Judgement of others is what helps False Christians justify and reassure that they are still " Good Christians.""

Isn't it crazy that the exact stuff I have been thinking about for a long time was written above by an Atheist??? Wow I know I thought the exact same thing. How could someone who has no belief in God write something this empowering. Its truly amazing to me.

I've been having an ongoing battle with this certain subject for a really long time. More often than not I find more and more fake Christians throughout the world. I was asked not to long ago what my religion was. I replied, "I don't have one." The person gave me a snide look and said, "Oh so you're an atheist." I smiled and shook my head. "No I'm not an atheist, I believe in God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit and the Devil. I believe that one day Christ will return and that we all have our judgement day at the end of our lives."

"Well then you're a Christian."

"No, I'm not a Christian. I have no label for what I am. Religion is a label and the important things get lost in all the religion mumbo jumbo crap." He said, "I'm really confused."

I told him, "Well its pretty simple, I am a child of Christ. No labels just the love of God and the Faith that He will lead me through life's trials and one day I will come face to face with his radiance." He turned and walked away pretty dumbfounded.

One of my good friends, Jenna and I had a talk about this and she told me she understood how its hard to be considered a Christian now-a-days because there is so much bad surrounding them. She told me that she just does all she can to out shine the bad and let people she all the good that Christ can do for them. She's right. But yet I still find myself skeptical of religions. It may be because I was torn apart, and beaten to the lowest part of my life by someone who proclaimed themselves a Christian, and someone who said that they wanted to one day impact the world. Well they impacted my world straight into the depths of Hell. I lost a lot of faith, that even before this was struggling to keep hold of. I just kept thinking why would someone who proclaims themselves a follower of Christ, tear me down so much. Yes, we are all human and our emotions get the best of us. But I had no idea a Christian, a follower of Jesus Christ, could hurt me as bad as this person did.

It was so hard to pull away from all the hatred, it ate me alive and spit out a shell of the person I once was. I died a spiritual death. "Now my heart is troubled, and what shall I say? 'Father save me from this hour'? No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour. Father, glorify your name!" - John 12: 27-28

By the grace of God I was pulled out of the darkness before I was lost for good. But still this has chewed at me for sometime. It's something I see so often. The fake Christian or the hypocritical Christian. The Christian who in front of you is polite and kind, but once you leave the room and are out of sight, cuts you down, says or writes hurtful things about you. Again, no one is perfect, but you would think as a follower of Christ these people would think before they open their mouths, type something, or pick up a pen. All these questions have began to pop into my head and I think this is something God really wants me to explore and figure out. I believe he wants me to make everyone else aware that this type of Christina is among us and we need to be on the look out for them. And we also need to look at ourselves and really reevaluate who we are in Christ and if we are really following Christ or just playing the role of a Christian.

For we are made in the image of Christ and that is how we should be seen and heard.

" The the Lord God formed the man of dust from the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living creature." - Genesis 2:7

Back Home.

I got back from California late last night. I'm already missing it so much. I had so much fun and took a lot of pictures and I can't wait to go out there again. I did so much stuff while I was there it'd be hard to cover it all. But most important I got away from things for awhile which was so refreshing I feel so much better and I'm ready to take on the next big thing for me too do. I'm starting classes soon for the summer and working and I'm ready to get back on track and restart. This fall is full of mystery I don't know where I'm going to end up but I'm excited for when I get there. I'm so ready for great things to come my way and I can feel them just around the corner :)

The Sweet Smell Of Life and The Shaking Of The Earth :)

I'm back in Cali... I forgot what it felt like to live, I rode in the car with the windows down today and the sweet scent of city and green grass filled my nose. It felt so bittersweet. Tomorrow I'm headed to Venice beach with old friends and I cannot wait it's going to be super amazing. I've missed all these amazing people so much and I'm finding out that no matter how much things may change... some things always stay the same. Mel and I can take one look at each other and still bust out in laughter without saying a word. We've taken a walk down memory lane but now we are making new memories with each other and thats what I love about her, she's not one of those awkward friends where you where really close and then all you have to go on is old day and old memories. Instead we stroll down memory lane and then we will go out and do something crazy and talk about that. She is awesome. And her boyfriend Kyle can still make me laugh at the most stupidest shit ever. I love it here I feel so comfortable and I laugh so much. I feel so alive after so long I didn't its amazing and I wish everyone would experience this rush of Life that I'm feeling.

Mel and Iowa story of the week :)

So Sunday a small earthquake hit California. Mel and I where sitting in the kitchen on these stool chairs and just chilling and talking when I felt like my chair was moving, I thought that I was just wobbling in my chair so I forgot about it, then I felt it again and looked over at Mel and her eyes got all big and she screams " Oh shit its an earthquake" and sprints to the doorway across the living room. I just stay planted in my sit staring up at the swinging lamps as Mel shouts at me from across the room " Iowa what are you doing, it's an earthquake, your supposed to get under the doorway." Then I just bust out laughing I couldn't move, it was so weird cause I thought I was just tripping out or something. It finally stopped nothing bad happened...... So yesterday we where sitting in Mel's car on her lunch break and she was bent over looking for something on the ground. I started shaking the car and yelled, " Oh Mel it's and earthquake AHHH!!" she swings open the door and jumps out of the car. And I'm keeled over laughing in the seat. Well she realized that really there was no Earthquake she was so mad but I couldn't stop laughing because the look on her face was priceless.... I know I'm a horrible friend but I couldn't help myself it was the perfect moment. :)

Cities are my home.

Packing to head out west, to my home away from home, California. I miss it, I miss the rude people, the smog, the never ending traffic on the 5, I miss the city with all my heart, and most of all I miss some of the greatest people I have ever known. I'm excited to get away from lame town for awhile. I believe that I'm a big city girl trapped in a small town, for a little while anyway. I took a semester off to get things straightened up and now I know right where I want to go, well not exactly but I have a lot of options, most important being the big cities. I love the rush of city life and how it seems no one ever stops. The endless bustle day to day its pure bliss. I can't explain how much I love it, some girls love shopping and finding their perfect "mate." I love big crowds and crowded cross walks, hot dog vendors on the sidewalk, tall buildings that seem to rise above me so high that there is no hope in reaching the top. Its a crazy obsession but I don't care. My true love is not a man but a city, New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, you name it, if its got tall towers and crowds the size of wal-mart supercenter, and smog that barely allows breathing room I am so there.

I'll be landing in L.A. in little over a day and I can barely control the excitement oozing from every pour of me, I haven't been out there since I came back to lame town almost a year ago. It's going to be insane and beautiful and so much fun. I'm in love with the big city and it loves me.

As the old song goes.... California here we come, right back where we started from.

Interview With The Dog

1. My life is likely to last 10 to 15 years. Any seperation from you will be painful to me. Remember that before you buy me.

2. Give me some time to understand what you want from me.

3. Place your trust in me. It's crucial to my well-being.

4. Don't be angry with be for long, and don't isolate me up as a punishment. You have your work, your entertainment, and your friends. I only have you.

5. Talk to me sometimes. Even if I don't understand your words- I understand your voice.

6. Be aware that however you treat me, I will not be able to forget it.

7. Remember before you hit me that I have powerful teeth, but I choose not to use them.

8. Before you scold me for being uncooperative, obstinate or lazy, ask yourself if something might be wrong with me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right food, or I've been out in the sun to long, or my heart is getting older and weaker.

9. Take care of me when I get old. You'll be old one day.

10. Go with me on difficult journeys. Never say: " I can't watch- it's too painful." Everything is easier when you are with me.

And through it all:

Remember that I love you.

Dogs are the greatest :)

Monster

I love this song and this band.

"Monster's are real. And ghost are real too, they live inside of us, and sometimes they win." - Stephen King

There's No Revenge Here. Love Doesn't Hate Back.

when hurt turns red and a piece of your heart is missing. when the cold bites deep and you've got that feeling like you just got out of surgery. when the only way to stay sane is to concentrate on anything else but how you feel. when you count the tiles in the ceiling. when you push the earphones closer. when the first day of winter arrives. when you remember every nuance of every word of every time. when all this happens. embrace it. feel every feeling. cry every tear. sob every sob. because this is what is feels like to have loved.

It's crazy how so many things change in little time. I've lost more things than I can count on both hands. But I've gained more knowledge. I've gained, as crazy as it sounds, more love. More love for myself and who I am. No longer am I bound by people's thoughts, words, or actions towards me. I've learned that the people that really matter won't hurt me and if they do they will always admit to it and apologize. I lost my heart and my insanity, in a matter of seconds. But I found it. I realized that I am stronger than I ever thought possible. I found that my family always has my back no matter how dark of a place I may be in and that they will care for me even when I don't get out of bed for days straight, or shower for long amounts of time or eat or sleep. They love me regardless of how screwed up I get. I realized that nothing is ever as it seems, and you can only wish so hard to have things go back to the way they where. No matter how hard I try to push something under the surface it will always fight its way to the top. I was astounded by my love of music and how it really can soothe an aching heart more than anything.

It's been a long past couple of months and I learned so much from them more than I believe I've learned in years of my life. So many lessons where taught to me from other people and also from myself. I still look back on past events and wish for a different outcome and wish that I wouldn't have let myself drowned in the undertow for so long when I know how to swim. And although I'm weary for my future and what's to come. I'm excited all the same there so much more for me to experience. There so much more for me than this podinky little town and hurtful surroundings. I've got a lot of work ahead of me but I know now that I have all the support and help from the people who matter the most in my life and they will encourage me and be there to see me succeed and prosper in this crazy thing called Life.

Death and Clean Underwear

“Sometimes when I can’t sleep, I picture my funeral and write eulogies in my head. In the fantasy, I almost always die in some tragic but unavoidable way. A drunk driver mows me down. Or a brain aneurysm. I make sure I suffer little, but die with courage and dignity and clean underwear. I like to think more about the funeral rather than how I die. Who would come? Who would face their fears of public speaking and get their ass to the pulpit? Who would decide that they had better things to do than to show up at all? I wonder if people would cry, and if there is anyone in the world who would hold the tears back for fear of never stopping.”
— Julie Buxbaum

Two Seasons in March.

It was one of those March Days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade. - Charles Dickens

Live through this and you won't look back.

“Important events- whether serious, happy or unfortunate- do not change a man’s soul, they merely bring it into relief, just as a strong gust of wind reveals the true shape of a tree when it blows off all its leaves. Such events highlight what is hidden in the shadows, they nudge the spirit towards a place where it can flourish.”

- Irène Némirovsky - ‘Suite Française’