Perfectly Lonely?

I can't quite wrap my head around what I'm feeling. Its always a random mix of emotions and I can't pick one out. Sometimes I feel like such a girl and I hate it... but then again thats what I am. I find myself feeling lonely quite often, no matter where I am. Although I have been by myself a lot lately and I don't do anything I sit and think or sit and do school work or I just sit. I feel like time is passing to slowly for me and I just want this whole stupid summer to be over. I want to get away from everything and leave shit behind.

I'm trying to keep a positive attitude but I'm in the mood that says fuck it all. I just want to feel more like my old self. I need to be in the city, I need to be there where I can lose myself and lose my senses for awhile. I want to get lost in the lights and get lost in the sights and the people. I want to feel like nothing will ever stop and that things can last forever. I want to feel crazy free and jump the turn style or ride a city bus or walk around some place I've never been.

I want to forget all the stupid things that have happened in the past and I want to do something completely crazy, I want to sky dive or bungee jump I don't care just something to feel a crazy rush. I want someone to look at me and say you're beautiful. I want to stop telling myself that everything's gonna be okay and I just want it to be okay. I want things to stop turning out for the worst. I want and need all these things but none of them have any sense of happening.

I feel like crying but no tears come out.... I think I'm immune to tears or crying.

I wish my grandma would get better and everything all the cancer would go away, I don't want her to die, but everyday seems like a struggle for her to stay alive. She's one of the strongest woman I know next to my mom, but strength can only last so long. I don't know what I will do without her even though she's 1500 miles away from me I feel her close to me. There are just so many built up emotions running through me that I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and keep screaming until I can't anymore. My heads a jumbled mess and I don't remember the last time it wasn't. I thought I had everything set and things where going great but here I am again right back down to the place I was before.

I'm ready for a new life, I'm ready for a new beginning, I'm ready for new people, I'm ready for new places, lets face it I'm ready for NEW.