I've been wanting to paint the past couple of days I've had a crazy urge to pick up a paint brush and get a canvas and just start going crazy on it. Only problem is I hold no paint, no paint brush, and no canvas. So instead I grabbed a Sesame Street coloring book and some crayons.... I felt so free and lost inside that coloring book, I laughed at myself that I was coloring Elmo, Bert and Ernie but yet it was comforting to feel like a little kid again with no cares, no big life changing decisions to make. Just me and my coloring book, nothing else. I'm only 19 years old but I feel much much older. In my first year and a half of being out of high school I have attended three colleges going on a forth this coming Fall. How insane is that.... I don't know why this is expect I cannot find a place that I could call home. Hell, I could barely call my real home, home anymore. I mean my house and my parents and brother that is my home, were ever they are that is my home. But the surrounding parts that I felt so comfortable in when I was in high school and part of my summer after my first year of college, I feel like a complete and total stranger. I have no desire to see old friends from High School anymore, excluding a few people and they know who they are. But is that bad? Is it bad that I could really care less about any of those people that I basically grew up with. I could say that we all grew apart, but the truth is those people are the same exact people they where in high school, college has not changed them well maybe the consumption of alcohol but other than that they hang out with the exact same people and do the exact same thing. How exciting of a life is that? That's the last thing I want is to be stuck around the same place and people I spent half my life with. Sure visiting is cool, but really what do you have to talk about besides old memories. I went and visited friend's that I went to college with last year out in California and it was like I never left, yeah sure we talked about old times but we went and made new memories and next time I visit we have even more old times to talk about. I feel like around here I can't make new memories, not with the people I graduated with and truth be told I don't want to.
I've been seeing a lot of people I know getting married and engaged or getting a boyfriend/girlfriend.... Me I have no boyfriend I am not married nor engaged. I haven't been in a serious relationship in my life ever. To be honest I am more comfortable by myself. But yet I find my mind wandering to this subject constantly, the subject of meeting a man and falling in love... not that puppy love, that true stuff the stuff that my parents and grandparents have the married for 50 years kind of love. Not to long ago I thought I found the guy I was supposed to marry.... haha, What a load of crap that turned out to be, I won't bore you with the details just that he wasn't who I thought he was and I wasn't willing to change who I was for him. But anyway, more importantly.... I think everyone around me is love-struck crazy, as in they think they are in love and it makes them do crazy, sick, jealous, envious things. I'm in a constant wonder when this magical man of my dreams is gonna come and sweep me off my feet. But then I really think hard about it and it sounds so stupid I don't want a guy to sweep me off my feet. What I want is to knock a guy on his ass and for him to be swept away by me. Which I know one day will happen.
On a happier note I've been doing non-stop paper work for school WOOP WOOP well summer school.... I'm not telling anyone where I'm headed in the Fall until I know for sure.... But man I am so excited.
I think thats all the ramblings I had in my head for the night......
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