My mind has been pretty restless the past couple of nights. I've been trying to come to terms that I thought I'd already moved past and as the future looms over me I find myself constantly wondering what if this happens or what if that happens, or what if I wouldn't have done that would things be the same? I am continuously pushing these thoughts aside to make room but yet they always seem to pop up. I lay down to go to sleep and I shut my eyes and BAM there they are those little annoying thoughts.
I finished all of my paper work for fall and now I am waiting the arrival of my fate in the form of either an acceptance letter or a non-acceptance letter. I was proud with all the work I did and how much work I put into the letter I wrote and everything else surrounding this huge life changing matter. But once everything was sealed, sent, and finalized my head began to swarm with questions What if I don't get in? I, the queen of back up plans have none this time.
I'm nervous as hell. My dad told me don't worry about it you are going to get in, him being so sure of it makes me feel better. But yet I still think about it. I don't know if anyone beside me has ever gotten a decline letter from college but believe me reading those words that all your hopes and dreams just got flushed down the toilet is one of the suckest things ever!
Other things that have been popping into my head have to do with old subjects that I get tired of thinking of but they won't leave me alone. I had a break down in Wal-mart not to long ago right in the middle of the freaking movie isle I passed by a familiar movie and stop to take a second glance then all of a sudden I got flooded with a memory I wasn't expecting and I dropped everything and starting crying hysterically.... I am not known to cry, I hardly ever do. It was surprise for me as I'm sure for the other people in close proximity of me.
But I guess holding back all of my emotions everything was bound to come spilling out at one time. But man was this terrible I had to pick everything up off the floor including myself and walk my hysterical ass to my car. I was coughing and heaving and snot was flying out of my nose my face and hair was smeared and plastered with tears. It was absolutely ridiculous. I kept thinking to myself what is going on with me. I turned on my car and drove to the river. I sat on the bank for about an hour and just screamed and screamed and screamed.
I then went home and passed out until 4 p.m. the next day. I woke up exhausted and overwhelmed and I started crying again. I have never cried so much in my life I thought I was dying or at the very least going to drown myself in my pillow with tears, spit, and snot. The things I thought I had moved on from dropped the hammer on me hard and sent me over the edge I was already teetering on.
I kind of laugh at myself now cause I mean seriously how ridiculous can one person get, the one person being me. But yet thats what pain does you lose yourself in its grasp. And this pain had a death grip on me. I just keep thinking to myself when is this thing going to leave me alone. It took a lot to overcome this and yet sometimes I feel myself get caught up in all of it again.
I get reminded of something and then I forget where I am and sit by myself and get lost in the past. It happen more times than I'd like it too.... But I find that there is no way to stop them from coming. I love the old memories but the newer ones are not pretty and they hurt.
I had lunch with one of my best friends the other day and we where doing the you remember the time thing.... And it just hit me again I think she knew because she asked me how are you and other things that had to with it. I told her I was okay and that really I was learning how to move on and get over things I cannot change.
But yet one question still remains do we ever fully move on from things that mean the most to us or do they constantly loom in the corners of our minds and plan sneak attacks at times when we will not expect it. I mean I have never got over the time my 4th grade crush pushed me down a hill and called me ugly. But really its a serious thoughtful provoking question, Do we move on, do we forget?
I guess the best we can do for ourselves is to cover the bad memories and times with the times that made us laugh so hard we peed our pants, or the times our cheeks hurt because looking and talking to them made us smile so much. And if a bad memory looms in the shadows I guess we have to accept the fact that maybe they will always be there and maybe there really is no way to move past the hurt all the way, but everything get better eventually, even though waiting for the eventually part sucks it happens.
"Letting go doesn't mean giving up... it means moving on. It is one of the hardest things a person can do. Starting at birth, we grasp on to anything we can get our hands on, and hold on as if we will cease to exist when we let go. We feel that letting go is giving up, quitting, and that as we all know is cowardly. But as we grow older we are forced to change our way of thinking. We are forced to realize that letting go means accepting things that cannot be. It means maturing and moving on, no matter how hard you have to fight yourself to do so."
No comments:
Post a Comment