I Have Little Answers.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that my life is strategically mapped out somewhere in my brain, carefully locked up, releasing information, ideas, and plans only when needed; not any sooner or later.

I believe that there are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The “failed” experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately “work.” Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson. Learning lessons does not end. There’s no part of life that doesn’t contain its lessons. If you’re alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned. There is no better a place than “here.” When your “there” has become a “here”, you will simply obtain another “there” that will again look better than “here. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.Your answers lie within you. The answers to life’s questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

Its hard for all this to process sometimes, with all the crazy things that seem to be happening to me and to the people I love I wonder if sometimes there really are no answers and that life is just a big game that plays with my emotions on a constant basis. I find myself questioning a lot of things lately and finding no answers, well the answers haven't found me yet. I can't open myself up and sometimes it bothers me, but thats just how I am. I'm always leaving and finding somewhere new to be. I can't seem to stay in one place for to long. I'm restless.

I've had a few close people to me and my family is included in that mix. I don't know what I would do without them. They are the most important thing to me. I was blessed to meet someone during my first year of college that is so amazing and always there for me. She was one of the first person I truly let in to my life and she in turn let me into hers. She is very important to me and although she is far away and going through so much she is always there for me to text or call or whatever.

I don't why I keep second guessing myself about things usually I'm a go get it and if it doesn't work out well I'll cross that bridge when I get there. Lately I keep hearing the voice in my head telling me to wait it out or to hold out or to be cautious. And I'm at the point in my life where I'm ready to say screw it throw caution to the wind and just do everything I want to do.

But enough of my deep thought

I start my summer classes in approximately 5 hours... yep :)

I am registered for classes for the fall, my fasfa is complete, my housing is complete, and I head down there for my transfer orientation in July its pretty exciting and I cannot wait for August! I am scheduling meeting with my advisor and the softball coach. Its intense but I am so so ready!

Hello's Are Hard, Goodbye's Are Easy.

I keep thinking things are going to get easier. But who am I kidding life isn't easy and it isn't going to be. I find that I will never understand the full extent of things and even then I do not give up in trying to figure out endings and pick things out that may have important significance.

I'm trying to recall when things got hard and things started to confuse me and when I became such a dull headed idiot. When did friendships become so strained and hello's became harder than goodbyes. I'm so accustomed to goodbye's it seems, which when I really think about it is so sad. I barely allow my self to open up cause I'm always ready for someone to leave or for me to leave. Maybe its because I'm so crazy and I've never been one for staying in a single place for to long. I'm a restless soul by nature I like new things, new places, new people and new disasters. I'm a fan of new beginning and change and a hater of things that stay the same. But yet I sometimes long for things to go back to there old ways. Why is that?

there are so many different things now in my life, and i love them, i love the mystery of my future and of the unknown. i think about my past sometimes and i used to hash it over in my head and want to take things back. but if i did i wouldn't be who i am today or where i am today. someone said things happen for a reason, i believe that, every word. even though sometimes we feel that the bad is the only thing that is happening to us, the good things find its way through. the good moments that make you feel special and make the bad things seem insignificant.

i figured out that i was trying to find myself through other people for the longest time. and i got to the point where i was so lost that i couldn't get from point a to point b. after a while i realized i'm the only one who can be me and though i may be blunt, straight forward and a bit to truthful sometimes qualities that people seem to really dislike. I really don't care what others think. i've been pushed to the point past breaking and i've come up so much better of a person than i used to be. i am more free and so content with the person I am that if people don't like me than thats to bad for them. i'm not going to change for anyone or anything.

"About all you can do in life is be who you are. Some people will love you for you. Most will love you for what you can do for them, and some won’t like you at all.” – Rita Mae Brown

The End Is Where We Start From

I finally got the verdict on my future and I am glad to say that I am making a new start in a new state this coming fall. I am more than ready for all the craziness to begin. I'm slightly nervous, but I hear nervousness is a good sign.

I'm getting more and more anxious for my sisters departure to Alaska, I have to spend a whole summer without her. I'm not quite sure what to do about it, I mean I'm going to be busy with school and a job but yet I'm going to miss her a lot. All of crazy late night talks and everything else in between.

I'm so proud of her though she is taking this huge leap and doing something amazing for herself and for other people as well. It will be absolutely amazing and I know she is going to come back so different, but so much wiser.

So for the next couple of weeks I just got to get ready for summer classes and then ready to move myself to a brand new state with a new college and new starts. I'm overwhelmed with excitement. I've been patient and good things finally came. This makes all the bad things that have happened the past couple of months seem so small and so pointless. I am so happy. Here's to moving on!

" The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are."

Change Is The Only Constant.

Everyday I'm getting close to my future... although I am far from knowing what's to come for me and I have a little fear for the unknown. I've been waiting around for a letter to arrive in my mailbox for the past week, I am nervous with anticipation and I constantly check the mailbox and nothing has arrived yet. Leaving me completely frustrated but I guess I just need to be patience and good things will come for me.

What do you do when you have no words for someone when you don't want to apologize and you don't want to play nice and you want to use your fist. I'm by nature a loud, outspoken, sometimes obnoxious person. I don't know how much longer I can control my outburst from happening, but people tell me not to get involved and that everything will blow over.

I've been avoiding a lot of things that I should do a lot of bridges that I need to mend but frankly I don't give a damn and I'd like to leave them burned. But I know deep down thats wrong. I'm having trouble grasping the fact that the people I used to love and know have changed so much, but I guess I have changed as well. I've done a lot of stupid shit this past year and I've learned from the mistakes I made. But I have yet to apologize to some of the people I hurt. Sometimes I think they deserved it they hurt me worse, but I know that, that shouldn't be crossing my mind. But still I can't help it sometimes.

It feels like I've fighting round after round with myself about things and I've come to the conclusion that letting everything go would be the best thing for me. I know I'm leaving Iowa for good very soon, and why should I dwell on the things that go on around here when I'll be miles away making a life for myself and the petty people that have been trying to stomp me under their boot will be stuck around here. I've been dreaming a lot and my dreams have been amazing and filled with things that are bound to happen soon and in the future. I am so ready I can barely wait any longer for things to come together.

“Everything in life is connected somehow. You may have to dig deep to find it but its there. Everything is the same even though its different. Somehow everything connects back with your life. The faces in certain places may be different, but the situation is the same. Irony is a hidden factor that creeps around us in life, letting its presence felt only after it has left. Picture back to a year ago and the situation you were in. Look at how things are different yet somehow everything it still in someway cognate. Everything connects together to form the balance of life, to maintain structure. Change is and always will be inevitable, but everything is relative, and all the moments and times in your life will come back around again, you just might find yourself on the other side of the coin. Things are always changing, as fast as everything stays the same.”

Pull Myself Together.

Pull Myself Together (Don't Hate Me)

The Rocket Summer

Pretty mess, with a pretty voice

Humming in my ear,

drowning out the world's noise

Such a pretty one, such a mixed up one

I once was lost, then I was found

I wanna make things better the second time around

What a precious sound

Hearing the words a second time around

And how will you understand?

As if I would back then.

How will they understand,

that's who I was not who I am?

And I'm not a perfect soul,

and I'll fall again, I know.

I must pull myself together

This is a brand new day

Pull myself away from my mistakes

Pull myself together,

It's time to let the waves pull me, take me away

And I know for you this must be hard,

giving me a second start

And I know I'm a little bit late

but please don't hate, hate me

Don't hate, hate me

Chain of lies, chain of events

The keys are in your reach,

but not in your hands

You don't have to be

a quote good unquote person to be let free

And how will you understand?

As if I would back then.

How will they understand,

that's who I was not who I am?

And I'm not a perfect soul,

and I'll fall again, I know, but oh

I must pull myself together

This is a brand new day

Pull myself away from my mistakes

Pull myself together,

It's time to let the waves just take me, pull me away

And I know for you this must be hard,

giving me a second start

And I know I'm a little bit late

but please don't hate, hate me

Don't hate, hate me

So pull myself together

This is a brand new day

Pull myself away from my mistakes

Pull myself together,

It's time to let the waves just take me, pull me away

And I know for you this must be hard,

giving me a second start

And I know I'm a little bit late

but please don't hate, hate me

Don't hate, hate me

The grace you know you're yearning for

is right here where you're at

This song is so amazing. If you have never listened to the Rocket Summer I urge to give him a listen he is absolutely amazing his lyrics are beautiful.

To the few people that read what I write, thank you. I am not gifted with the ways of words but I do have my moments although somethings of what I write or say are not my proudest moments... most of the time I say something stupid or mean. But to those of you who do catch me on my better days I hope my words ring true to your ears and somehow help you with whatever it is you may be going through, may it be a hard time or an amazing event in your life.

I am far from perfect and sometimes I let my emotions get the best of me and I do things without thinking, its something that I am continuously working on... believe me I faulter many times. But thats what forgiveness is about... another thing that I am continuously working on. I have a tendency to hold grudges and not let things go its a part of who I am unfortunately. I work on it daily and most of the time I slip up and end up hurting the people closest to me. As I said I am a work in progress so please have patience with me.

Two of my closest friends have been dealing with a lot lately and they share the things that are burdening them with me, I feel blessed that they have chosen me to share their hardships and in return they share mine. I feel there hardships and mine rolled into one which is a lot but I wouldn't have it any other way. So to help them and me I write everything that comes from my heart to my head in this blog as a way to free up some space. I've learned that the internet is a very powerful tool nothing is really ever private and sometimes you forget that. I do not regret starting this blog it has given me an outlet for things I can't say out loud, I tend to better at translating things to paper.

I am so blessed to the people I have in my life they are so good to me and I continuously thank God for them, because without people who care about you and love you life is really meaningless.

"A friend loves at all times, and is born, as is a brother, for adversity."- Proverbs 17: 17

We Find Ourselves At An Impass.

I find myself at an impass, again I am for going things that mean a lot to me once again to make someone that I don't even like happy. And we are all at fault for the things we do I will not blame one person in this matter. For we are all equally to blame. I feel a heavy burden for the things I may have done or may not have done. Were we stupid in how we handle this? My answer Hell yes we where down right idiotic, I'm not saying we should have stood in a circle and held hands and sang Kumbiya cause that wouldn't have worked any better.

I guess there where certain things done to each person that shouldn't have been, certain things written that shouldn't have been.... It's a long road of he said she said or I wrote they wrote. And it all comes down to one stupid moment were we all stopped pretending and let everything we where feeling be known. I'm not saying we should have kept on the way we were going and pretending like nothing was wrong but maybe taking a better path to figuring things out.

More to the point of what I'm trying to say is that I surrender every part of what once was that I was clinging to I relinquish to you. You win as simple as that. And as far as I'm concerned he is not my best friend I don't even know that person anymore and quite frankly I don't want to know him.

I'll take a step back and admit that I was wrong in this whole matter I was desperately clinging to something that had long gone left me. I tired to make it go back to the way it was but I'm alright and I'm moving on with my life. I may have been ridiculous in my attempt to keep a friendship alive that really I was the only one that wanted it. But you know what I'm over it, I made mistakes I happily admit that. And I never thought I'd say this but you are most certainly right most of the pain I am feeling I brought on myself, I let myself seeth and seeth until I couldn't come up for air. I had never suffered such a loss in my life and the pain was the only thing that let me know it was really happening and that I wasn't imagining it.

And I do thank you for using the things you write to wake me from the most certain piece of a mess I was. Let's not be frank I read what you write and you read what I write. I enjoy reading what you have to say a lot of is filled with wisdom and light. And I realize that the dark parts that you write are directed towards me and my last intention is to make anyone feel dark and pain cause I wouldn't wish that on anyone, no matter how much we may not like each other or how great our differences are no one deserves to hurt.

I am truly happy for the first time in my life a lot of things have changed for me and I've met someone special who makes me feel good about myself and he teaches me things I would never know otherwise. I've got a lot of things ahead of me that are looking great and I'm excited about it. I'm glad to hear that you are happy and that the both of you are happy. Why would I want you guys to not be happy? But just so you know nothing will change the love I have for that family, they are one of the most amazing families I have ever known and I've grown to love and cherish every part of them, every single one of them will always and forever hold a place in my heart. So again thank you for helping me realize how stupid I was being on the matter.

I found myself at a fork in the road and one was leading me down the path of the past and the other the future, I will and always will choose the path that leads me to the future, for we cannot change the past, we cannot change the events from the past. And we cannot know how much or how little the words we write or say will impact someone significantly.

" Forgiving and letting go are on our steps to happiness."

I choose to forgive myself for my actions, because I cannot forgive others before I am fully forgiven by myself.