Stormy Weather

I've been getting a lot of it lately, it's pretty tiring the sun never seeming to want to shine..... just a lot of dark rain clouds and sticky warm nights.

There has been a lot of stormy weather in my life this past year. Most recently the passing of my Grandma. She's was one of the most amazing, crazy, stubborn, funny ladies I have ever known. Instead of flipping people off she would give you the pinkie in place of her middle finger. When my grandpa would tell me the story of how he first met her she'd smile and then get all serious and slap my grandpa on the arm and say "Stop it Bill" and stick out her tongue as he continued to tell the story. Or when my grandpa would tell us a joke for the billionth time she'd flash her fingers and make faces at him but yet she would still laugh at the punch-line no matter if she already knew it. She made the best iced tea I have ever tasted on the planet and taught me how to make it just the same. We would have KFC at least once a week just because it was her favorite. She would randomly take me to Baskin Robins 31 flavors and always get a banana spilt. She'd take me shopping and let me get anything I wanted and always buy my a cheese on a stick with a large lemonade and usually drink most of it, we would get home from shopping and she'd say take that upstairs... and don't tell your grandpa. She was absolutely amazing and I wish everyone I know knew my grandma.

She instantly adopted Deanna as her other grandchild when we brought her on a trip for my College Softball Try-out two summers ago. She fell in love with her and it was to me and Deanna that she said her few last words to and they were "I Love You" I called her Sunday night and got to hear her tell me as plain as day that she loved me, and she passed away early Monday Morning.

There are so many things I could share about my Grandma but this would be super super long. Not that I mind at all. I feel so blessed I got to spend my whole first year of college with her and my grandpa. It was one of the most eye-opening experiences of my life. I learned how strong both of them were in the short time I was there. They drove me bonkers and absolutely nuts but I wouldn't trade that one year for anything else in the entire world.

And I guess there is stormy weather in everyone's life... and only we have the choice to over-come the bad and make the good be the sun that out shines all of the horribleness that comes to us.

This Poem was apart of my Grandma's funeral and I believe its true.

God saw you getting tired
and a cure was not meant to be,
So he put his arms around you
and whispered "Come to Me".
With tearful eyes we watched you,
as we saw you pass away.
Although we loved you deeply,
we could not make you stay.
Your Golden Heart stopped beating,
hard working hands at rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us,
He only takes the best.

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.
-- Gilda Radner

Sometimes you have to say goodbye.

I don't want to but I guess it's time, My grandma passed away Monday Morning, I think I'm still in denial I don't want it to be true. I spent my whole first year of college with her, nagging at me to get out of bed and go to class, sneaking me money so grandpa wouldn't see it, washing my softball uniform, making me eat so much food, and taking me out for ice cream or shopping just because. She was the most amazing woman always with something to say. She always had a snappy comeback and sometime when she didn't she'd whole up her pinkie as a signal she was flipping you off or if you really made her mad she'd hold up all of her fingers and say "here's a whole weeks worth." I'm not really sure what to do know its crazy that I can't just pick up the phone and call her. And I don't know why but people that I don't even know are telling me I'm sorry to hear about your Grandma and I know how you feel, and I'm like oh really did you know my grandma, No, well then you don't know how I feel. Maybe thats a bit harsh and I know people are trying to be nice and understanding but sometimes it irks me off and I just want to give them the pinkie.

My mom's been out there for almost 3 weeks and she was there with her when she died. The whole family is flying out tomorrow. Including Cameron, she's bailing out of Canada for a few days and then heading back out there after everything. The funerals on Friday.... I've never been to a funeral, I'm not sure what to do or expect. But I guess I'll just have to go with the flow on this. Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.

Love You Grandma!

If tears could build a stairway,
And memories a lane,
I'd walk right up to Heaven
And bring you home again.

Perfectly Lonely?

I can't quite wrap my head around what I'm feeling. Its always a random mix of emotions and I can't pick one out. Sometimes I feel like such a girl and I hate it... but then again thats what I am. I find myself feeling lonely quite often, no matter where I am. Although I have been by myself a lot lately and I don't do anything I sit and think or sit and do school work or I just sit. I feel like time is passing to slowly for me and I just want this whole stupid summer to be over. I want to get away from everything and leave shit behind.

I'm trying to keep a positive attitude but I'm in the mood that says fuck it all. I just want to feel more like my old self. I need to be in the city, I need to be there where I can lose myself and lose my senses for awhile. I want to get lost in the lights and get lost in the sights and the people. I want to feel like nothing will ever stop and that things can last forever. I want to feel crazy free and jump the turn style or ride a city bus or walk around some place I've never been.

I want to forget all the stupid things that have happened in the past and I want to do something completely crazy, I want to sky dive or bungee jump I don't care just something to feel a crazy rush. I want someone to look at me and say you're beautiful. I want to stop telling myself that everything's gonna be okay and I just want it to be okay. I want things to stop turning out for the worst. I want and need all these things but none of them have any sense of happening.

I feel like crying but no tears come out.... I think I'm immune to tears or crying.

I wish my grandma would get better and everything all the cancer would go away, I don't want her to die, but everyday seems like a struggle for her to stay alive. She's one of the strongest woman I know next to my mom, but strength can only last so long. I don't know what I will do without her even though she's 1500 miles away from me I feel her close to me. There are just so many built up emotions running through me that I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and keep screaming until I can't anymore. My heads a jumbled mess and I don't remember the last time it wasn't. I thought I had everything set and things where going great but here I am again right back down to the place I was before.

I'm ready for a new life, I'm ready for a new beginning, I'm ready for new people, I'm ready for new places, lets face it I'm ready for NEW.

I Have Little Answers.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that my life is strategically mapped out somewhere in my brain, carefully locked up, releasing information, ideas, and plans only when needed; not any sooner or later.

I believe that there are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The “failed” experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately “work.” Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson. Learning lessons does not end. There’s no part of life that doesn’t contain its lessons. If you’re alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned. There is no better a place than “here.” When your “there” has become a “here”, you will simply obtain another “there” that will again look better than “here. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.Your answers lie within you. The answers to life’s questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

Its hard for all this to process sometimes, with all the crazy things that seem to be happening to me and to the people I love I wonder if sometimes there really are no answers and that life is just a big game that plays with my emotions on a constant basis. I find myself questioning a lot of things lately and finding no answers, well the answers haven't found me yet. I can't open myself up and sometimes it bothers me, but thats just how I am. I'm always leaving and finding somewhere new to be. I can't seem to stay in one place for to long. I'm restless.

I've had a few close people to me and my family is included in that mix. I don't know what I would do without them. They are the most important thing to me. I was blessed to meet someone during my first year of college that is so amazing and always there for me. She was one of the first person I truly let in to my life and she in turn let me into hers. She is very important to me and although she is far away and going through so much she is always there for me to text or call or whatever.

I don't why I keep second guessing myself about things usually I'm a go get it and if it doesn't work out well I'll cross that bridge when I get there. Lately I keep hearing the voice in my head telling me to wait it out or to hold out or to be cautious. And I'm at the point in my life where I'm ready to say screw it throw caution to the wind and just do everything I want to do.

But enough of my deep thought

I start my summer classes in approximately 5 hours... yep :)

I am registered for classes for the fall, my fasfa is complete, my housing is complete, and I head down there for my transfer orientation in July its pretty exciting and I cannot wait for August! I am scheduling meeting with my advisor and the softball coach. Its intense but I am so so ready!

Hello's Are Hard, Goodbye's Are Easy.

I keep thinking things are going to get easier. But who am I kidding life isn't easy and it isn't going to be. I find that I will never understand the full extent of things and even then I do not give up in trying to figure out endings and pick things out that may have important significance.

I'm trying to recall when things got hard and things started to confuse me and when I became such a dull headed idiot. When did friendships become so strained and hello's became harder than goodbyes. I'm so accustomed to goodbye's it seems, which when I really think about it is so sad. I barely allow my self to open up cause I'm always ready for someone to leave or for me to leave. Maybe its because I'm so crazy and I've never been one for staying in a single place for to long. I'm a restless soul by nature I like new things, new places, new people and new disasters. I'm a fan of new beginning and change and a hater of things that stay the same. But yet I sometimes long for things to go back to there old ways. Why is that?

there are so many different things now in my life, and i love them, i love the mystery of my future and of the unknown. i think about my past sometimes and i used to hash it over in my head and want to take things back. but if i did i wouldn't be who i am today or where i am today. someone said things happen for a reason, i believe that, every word. even though sometimes we feel that the bad is the only thing that is happening to us, the good things find its way through. the good moments that make you feel special and make the bad things seem insignificant.

i figured out that i was trying to find myself through other people for the longest time. and i got to the point where i was so lost that i couldn't get from point a to point b. after a while i realized i'm the only one who can be me and though i may be blunt, straight forward and a bit to truthful sometimes qualities that people seem to really dislike. I really don't care what others think. i've been pushed to the point past breaking and i've come up so much better of a person than i used to be. i am more free and so content with the person I am that if people don't like me than thats to bad for them. i'm not going to change for anyone or anything.

"About all you can do in life is be who you are. Some people will love you for you. Most will love you for what you can do for them, and some won’t like you at all.” – Rita Mae Brown

The End Is Where We Start From

I finally got the verdict on my future and I am glad to say that I am making a new start in a new state this coming fall. I am more than ready for all the craziness to begin. I'm slightly nervous, but I hear nervousness is a good sign.

I'm getting more and more anxious for my sisters departure to Alaska, I have to spend a whole summer without her. I'm not quite sure what to do about it, I mean I'm going to be busy with school and a job but yet I'm going to miss her a lot. All of crazy late night talks and everything else in between.

I'm so proud of her though she is taking this huge leap and doing something amazing for herself and for other people as well. It will be absolutely amazing and I know she is going to come back so different, but so much wiser.

So for the next couple of weeks I just got to get ready for summer classes and then ready to move myself to a brand new state with a new college and new starts. I'm overwhelmed with excitement. I've been patient and good things finally came. This makes all the bad things that have happened the past couple of months seem so small and so pointless. I am so happy. Here's to moving on!

" The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are."

Change Is The Only Constant.

Everyday I'm getting close to my future... although I am far from knowing what's to come for me and I have a little fear for the unknown. I've been waiting around for a letter to arrive in my mailbox for the past week, I am nervous with anticipation and I constantly check the mailbox and nothing has arrived yet. Leaving me completely frustrated but I guess I just need to be patience and good things will come for me.

What do you do when you have no words for someone when you don't want to apologize and you don't want to play nice and you want to use your fist. I'm by nature a loud, outspoken, sometimes obnoxious person. I don't know how much longer I can control my outburst from happening, but people tell me not to get involved and that everything will blow over.

I've been avoiding a lot of things that I should do a lot of bridges that I need to mend but frankly I don't give a damn and I'd like to leave them burned. But I know deep down thats wrong. I'm having trouble grasping the fact that the people I used to love and know have changed so much, but I guess I have changed as well. I've done a lot of stupid shit this past year and I've learned from the mistakes I made. But I have yet to apologize to some of the people I hurt. Sometimes I think they deserved it they hurt me worse, but I know that, that shouldn't be crossing my mind. But still I can't help it sometimes.

It feels like I've fighting round after round with myself about things and I've come to the conclusion that letting everything go would be the best thing for me. I know I'm leaving Iowa for good very soon, and why should I dwell on the things that go on around here when I'll be miles away making a life for myself and the petty people that have been trying to stomp me under their boot will be stuck around here. I've been dreaming a lot and my dreams have been amazing and filled with things that are bound to happen soon and in the future. I am so ready I can barely wait any longer for things to come together.

“Everything in life is connected somehow. You may have to dig deep to find it but its there. Everything is the same even though its different. Somehow everything connects back with your life. The faces in certain places may be different, but the situation is the same. Irony is a hidden factor that creeps around us in life, letting its presence felt only after it has left. Picture back to a year ago and the situation you were in. Look at how things are different yet somehow everything it still in someway cognate. Everything connects together to form the balance of life, to maintain structure. Change is and always will be inevitable, but everything is relative, and all the moments and times in your life will come back around again, you just might find yourself on the other side of the coin. Things are always changing, as fast as everything stays the same.”