We Run The Risk Of Losing Ourselves.

My mind has been pretty restless the past couple of nights. I've been trying to come to terms that I thought I'd already moved past and as the future looms over me I find myself constantly wondering what if this happens or what if that happens, or what if I wouldn't have done that would things be the same?

I am continuously pushing these thoughts aside to make room but yet they always seem to pop up. I lay down to go to sleep and I shut my eyes and BAM there they are those little annoying thoughts.

I finished all of my paper work for fall and now I am waiting the arrival of my fate in the form of either an acceptance letter or a non-acceptance letter. I was proud with all the work I did and how much work I put into the letter I wrote and everything else surrounding this huge life changing matter. But once everything was sealed, sent, and finalized my head began to swarm with questions What if I don't get in? I, the queen of back up plans have none this time.

I'm nervous as hell. My dad told me don't worry about it you are going to get in, him being so sure of it makes me feel better. But yet I still think about it. I don't know if anyone beside me has ever gotten a decline letter from college but believe me reading those words that all your hopes and dreams just got flushed down the toilet is one of the suckest things ever!

Other things that have been popping into my head have to do with old subjects that I get tired of thinking of but they won't leave me alone. I had a break down in Wal-mart not to long ago right in the middle of the freaking movie isle I passed by a familiar movie and stop to take a second glance then all of a sudden I got flooded with a memory I wasn't expecting and I dropped everything and starting crying hysterically.... I am not known to cry, I hardly ever do. It was surprise for me as I'm sure for the other people in close proximity of me.

But I guess holding back all of my emotions everything was bound to come spilling out at one time. But man was this terrible I had to pick everything up off the floor including myself and walk my hysterical ass to my car. I was coughing and heaving and snot was flying out of my nose my face and hair was smeared and plastered with tears. It was absolutely ridiculous. I kept thinking to myself what is going on with me. I turned on my car and drove to the river. I sat on the bank for about an hour and just screamed and screamed and screamed.

I then went home and passed out until 4 p.m. the next day. I woke up exhausted and overwhelmed and I started crying again. I have never cried so much in my life I thought I was dying or at the very least going to drown myself in my pillow with tears, spit, and snot. The things I thought I had moved on from dropped the hammer on me hard and sent me over the edge I was already teetering on.

I kind of laugh at myself now cause I mean seriously how ridiculous can one person get, the one person being me. But yet thats what pain does you lose yourself in its grasp. And this pain had a death grip on me. I just keep thinking to myself when is this thing going to leave me alone. It took a lot to overcome this and yet sometimes I feel myself get caught up in all of it again.

I get reminded of something and then I forget where I am and sit by myself and get lost in the past. It happen more times than I'd like it too.... But I find that there is no way to stop them from coming. I love the old memories but the newer ones are not pretty and they hurt.

I had lunch with one of my best friends the other day and we where doing the you remember the time thing.... And it just hit me again I think she knew because she asked me how are you and other things that had to with it. I told her I was okay and that really I was learning how to move on and get over things I cannot change.

But yet one question still remains do we ever fully move on from things that mean the most to us or do they constantly loom in the corners of our minds and plan sneak attacks at times when we will not expect it. I mean I have never got over the time my 4th grade crush pushed me down a hill and called me ugly. But really its a serious thoughtful provoking question, Do we move on, do we forget?

I guess the best we can do for ourselves is to cover the bad memories and times with the times that made us laugh so hard we peed our pants, or the times our cheeks hurt because looking and talking to them made us smile so much. And if a bad memory looms in the shadows I guess we have to accept the fact that maybe they will always be there and maybe there really is no way to move past the hurt all the way, but everything get better eventually, even though waiting for the eventually part sucks it happens.

"Letting go doesn't mean giving up... it means moving on. It is one of the hardest things a person can do. Starting at birth, we grasp on to anything we can get our hands on, and hold on as if we will cease to exist when we let go. We feel that letting go is giving up, quitting, and that as we all know is cowardly. But as we grow older we are forced to change our way of thinking. We are forced to realize that letting go means accepting things that cannot be. It means maturing and moving on, no matter how hard you have to fight yourself to do so."

For My Best Friend

We all suffer losses in our lives, some have no impact, yet others have such a great impact that they feel as though they have created a giant whole in the center of our lives.

The most devastating thing to lose is love. Love is a one in a kind find and to feel it ripped from your hands with no chance of having it return is one of life's most painful, painful losses.

It may be the love of a parent, sibling, friend, or significant other. No matter who its from it still hurts once its gone. I've been dealing with a lot of losses of love lately, not just my own but my friends losses too. Even though she isn't physically with me I feel her pain the 3,000 miles we are apart and it hurts. It's even worse because I can't be there to give her a hug or just that reassuring smile. Its worse because I know she is hurting and all I can do is try to help her through with my words and my experience of loss.

I can't sugar coat things its not my way of nature, I am blunt person and sometimes people tell me I'm insensitive but would you rather have the truth than a lie. I would! Loss does not go away, it will always be there. The pain may dull but at certain moments in your day, week, or month you feel it. Maybe looking at something that reminded you of the person you lost or just hearing a song on the radio you can always feel it in your heart. It sucks. Time heals all wounds is something I hear often, personally I believe that is the biggest crock of shit. Time dulls all wounds should be what is said. Cause nothing ever goes away fully.

I feel like there is a lot of love being lost recently not just for me but for a lot of the people I know as well. Between parents and their children, between husband and wife, between friends, between significant others. I still try and grasp the concept of saying I Love You to someone. I can't say it that easily, yeah to my family and my 2 or 3 close friends. But to a guy, hell no those words have never crossed my lips.

I'm not very good with my words as it is. But my best friend told me something that is bugging me she said, "I guess he just fell out of love." How do you do that? How does someone stop loving someone else. I can't fathom that. Maybe I'm naive or stupid to think that love is an unconditional thing that once you give to someone there are no take backs.

There might be a lot of incoherent rambling through out this I know but I'm trying to make sense of one of the most confusing subjects in life. Love and broken hearts go hand in hand as sad as it seems. I may not be the smartest person but I do know pain and broken heartedness. And it hurts, if you have never felt it well then you are lucky. Let me give you an example; it feels like someone sets your insides on fire and just watches you burn alive from the inside out. You don't want to eat, you don't sleep, you don't shower. You lay in bed all day listening to music and sometimes watching reruns of the Gilmore Girls.

Losses are apart of life. And people may talk about closure like its an actual thing, a thing that you can hold in the palm of your hand. But closure takes time. Everything takes time. It may be weeks, months, or years but you will feel lighter and pieced together eventually.

You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to things you do not want to feel.

To My Best Friend:

Just know that I love you and I am always here no matter how far away I am, I will always be your best friend and you will always be mine. I have confided things in you that I would trust no other soul with. You shared your secrets and I shared mine and you are always tucked deep in the corners of my heart. I love you unconditionally no matter how broken and hurt you are you are special and strong and you will get through this battle because I believe in you and I will be with you every step of the way.

Late Night Ramblings.....

I've been wanting to paint the past couple of days I've had a crazy urge to pick up a paint brush and get a canvas and just start going crazy on it. Only problem is I hold no paint, no paint brush, and no canvas. So instead I grabbed a Sesame Street coloring book and some crayons.... I felt so free and lost inside that coloring book, I laughed at myself that I was coloring Elmo, Bert and Ernie but yet it was comforting to feel like a little kid again with no cares, no big life changing decisions to make. Just me and my coloring book, nothing else.

I'm only 19 years old but I feel much much older. In my first year and a half of being out of high school I have attended three colleges going on a forth this coming Fall. How insane is that.... I don't know why this is expect I cannot find a place that I could call home. Hell, I could barely call my real home, home anymore. I mean my house and my parents and brother that is my home, were ever they are that is my home. But the surrounding parts that I felt so comfortable in when I was in high school and part of my summer after my first year of college, I feel like a complete and total stranger. I have no desire to see old friends from High School anymore, excluding a few people and they know who they are. But is that bad? Is it bad that I could really care less about any of those people that I basically grew up with. I could say that we all grew apart, but the truth is those people are the same exact people they where in high school, college has not changed them well maybe the consumption of alcohol but other than that they hang out with the exact same people and do the exact same thing. How exciting of a life is that? That's the last thing I want is to be stuck around the same place and people I spent half my life with. Sure visiting is cool, but really what do you have to talk about besides old memories. I went and visited friend's that I went to college with last year out in California and it was like I never left, yeah sure we talked about old times but we went and made new memories and next time I visit we have even more old times to talk about. I feel like around here I can't make new memories, not with the people I graduated with and truth be told I don't want to.

I've been seeing a lot of people I know getting married and engaged or getting a boyfriend/girlfriend.... Me I have no boyfriend I am not married nor engaged. I haven't been in a serious relationship in my life ever. To be honest I am more comfortable by myself. But yet I find my mind wandering to this subject constantly, the subject of meeting a man and falling in love... not that puppy love, that true stuff the stuff that my parents and grandparents have the married for 50 years kind of love. Not to long ago I thought I found the guy I was supposed to marry.... haha, What a load of crap that turned out to be, I won't bore you with the details just that he wasn't who I thought he was and I wasn't willing to change who I was for him. But anyway, more importantly.... I think everyone around me is love-struck crazy, as in they think they are in love and it makes them do crazy, sick, jealous, envious things. I'm in a constant wonder when this magical man of my dreams is gonna come and sweep me off my feet. But then I really think hard about it and it sounds so stupid I don't want a guy to sweep me off my feet. What I want is to knock a guy on his ass and for him to be swept away by me. Which I know one day will happen.

On a happier note I've been doing non-stop paper work for school WOOP WOOP well summer school.... I'm not telling anyone where I'm headed in the Fall until I know for sure.... But man I am so excited.

I think thats all the ramblings I had in my head for the night......

Fake Christians

"The true Christian does not judge, or at least tries not to. The true christian does not condemn others, but rather seeks to help and enlighten. The true Christian does not visit hardship, prejudice, anger or persecution on others. They are selfless, forgiving, and patient. True Christians do what Jesus would have done. These people are rarer then diamonds.

Fake Christians are just regular people who have adopted the label of "Christian." Through this label the judge, ridicule, harass and sometimes even attack others who they feel are not Christian. Sometimes fake Christians will say, well you're going to hell.

Find me one spot in the Bible where Jesus told someone they were going to Hell. He didn't. He said what was required to go to heaven, but he never judged someone himself and told them they where going to Hell.

Judgement of others is what helps False Christians justify and reassure that they are still " Good Christians.""

Isn't it crazy that the exact stuff I have been thinking about for a long time was written above by an Atheist??? Wow I know I thought the exact same thing. How could someone who has no belief in God write something this empowering. Its truly amazing to me.

I've been having an ongoing battle with this certain subject for a really long time. More often than not I find more and more fake Christians throughout the world. I was asked not to long ago what my religion was. I replied, "I don't have one." The person gave me a snide look and said, "Oh so you're an atheist." I smiled and shook my head. "No I'm not an atheist, I believe in God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit and the Devil. I believe that one day Christ will return and that we all have our judgement day at the end of our lives."

"Well then you're a Christian."

"No, I'm not a Christian. I have no label for what I am. Religion is a label and the important things get lost in all the religion mumbo jumbo crap." He said, "I'm really confused."

I told him, "Well its pretty simple, I am a child of Christ. No labels just the love of God and the Faith that He will lead me through life's trials and one day I will come face to face with his radiance." He turned and walked away pretty dumbfounded.

One of my good friends, Jenna and I had a talk about this and she told me she understood how its hard to be considered a Christian now-a-days because there is so much bad surrounding them. She told me that she just does all she can to out shine the bad and let people she all the good that Christ can do for them. She's right. But yet I still find myself skeptical of religions. It may be because I was torn apart, and beaten to the lowest part of my life by someone who proclaimed themselves a Christian, and someone who said that they wanted to one day impact the world. Well they impacted my world straight into the depths of Hell. I lost a lot of faith, that even before this was struggling to keep hold of. I just kept thinking why would someone who proclaims themselves a follower of Christ, tear me down so much. Yes, we are all human and our emotions get the best of us. But I had no idea a Christian, a follower of Jesus Christ, could hurt me as bad as this person did.

It was so hard to pull away from all the hatred, it ate me alive and spit out a shell of the person I once was. I died a spiritual death. "Now my heart is troubled, and what shall I say? 'Father save me from this hour'? No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour. Father, glorify your name!" - John 12: 27-28

By the grace of God I was pulled out of the darkness before I was lost for good. But still this has chewed at me for sometime. It's something I see so often. The fake Christian or the hypocritical Christian. The Christian who in front of you is polite and kind, but once you leave the room and are out of sight, cuts you down, says or writes hurtful things about you. Again, no one is perfect, but you would think as a follower of Christ these people would think before they open their mouths, type something, or pick up a pen. All these questions have began to pop into my head and I think this is something God really wants me to explore and figure out. I believe he wants me to make everyone else aware that this type of Christina is among us and we need to be on the look out for them. And we also need to look at ourselves and really reevaluate who we are in Christ and if we are really following Christ or just playing the role of a Christian.

For we are made in the image of Christ and that is how we should be seen and heard.

" The the Lord God formed the man of dust from the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living creature." - Genesis 2:7

Back Home.

I got back from California late last night. I'm already missing it so much. I had so much fun and took a lot of pictures and I can't wait to go out there again. I did so much stuff while I was there it'd be hard to cover it all. But most important I got away from things for awhile which was so refreshing I feel so much better and I'm ready to take on the next big thing for me too do. I'm starting classes soon for the summer and working and I'm ready to get back on track and restart. This fall is full of mystery I don't know where I'm going to end up but I'm excited for when I get there. I'm so ready for great things to come my way and I can feel them just around the corner :)

The Sweet Smell Of Life and The Shaking Of The Earth :)

I'm back in Cali... I forgot what it felt like to live, I rode in the car with the windows down today and the sweet scent of city and green grass filled my nose. It felt so bittersweet. Tomorrow I'm headed to Venice beach with old friends and I cannot wait it's going to be super amazing. I've missed all these amazing people so much and I'm finding out that no matter how much things may change... some things always stay the same. Mel and I can take one look at each other and still bust out in laughter without saying a word. We've taken a walk down memory lane but now we are making new memories with each other and thats what I love about her, she's not one of those awkward friends where you where really close and then all you have to go on is old day and old memories. Instead we stroll down memory lane and then we will go out and do something crazy and talk about that. She is awesome. And her boyfriend Kyle can still make me laugh at the most stupidest shit ever. I love it here I feel so comfortable and I laugh so much. I feel so alive after so long I didn't its amazing and I wish everyone would experience this rush of Life that I'm feeling.

Mel and Iowa story of the week :)

So Sunday a small earthquake hit California. Mel and I where sitting in the kitchen on these stool chairs and just chilling and talking when I felt like my chair was moving, I thought that I was just wobbling in my chair so I forgot about it, then I felt it again and looked over at Mel and her eyes got all big and she screams " Oh shit its an earthquake" and sprints to the doorway across the living room. I just stay planted in my sit staring up at the swinging lamps as Mel shouts at me from across the room " Iowa what are you doing, it's an earthquake, your supposed to get under the doorway." Then I just bust out laughing I couldn't move, it was so weird cause I thought I was just tripping out or something. It finally stopped nothing bad happened...... So yesterday we where sitting in Mel's car on her lunch break and she was bent over looking for something on the ground. I started shaking the car and yelled, " Oh Mel it's and earthquake AHHH!!" she swings open the door and jumps out of the car. And I'm keeled over laughing in the seat. Well she realized that really there was no Earthquake she was so mad but I couldn't stop laughing because the look on her face was priceless.... I know I'm a horrible friend but I couldn't help myself it was the perfect moment. :)

Cities are my home.

Packing to head out west, to my home away from home, California. I miss it, I miss the rude people, the smog, the never ending traffic on the 5, I miss the city with all my heart, and most of all I miss some of the greatest people I have ever known. I'm excited to get away from lame town for awhile. I believe that I'm a big city girl trapped in a small town, for a little while anyway. I took a semester off to get things straightened up and now I know right where I want to go, well not exactly but I have a lot of options, most important being the big cities. I love the rush of city life and how it seems no one ever stops. The endless bustle day to day its pure bliss. I can't explain how much I love it, some girls love shopping and finding their perfect "mate." I love big crowds and crowded cross walks, hot dog vendors on the sidewalk, tall buildings that seem to rise above me so high that there is no hope in reaching the top. Its a crazy obsession but I don't care. My true love is not a man but a city, New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, you name it, if its got tall towers and crowds the size of wal-mart supercenter, and smog that barely allows breathing room I am so there.

I'll be landing in L.A. in little over a day and I can barely control the excitement oozing from every pour of me, I haven't been out there since I came back to lame town almost a year ago. It's going to be insane and beautiful and so much fun. I'm in love with the big city and it loves me.

As the old song goes.... California here we come, right back where we started from.