Sometimes you have to say goodbye.

I don't want to but I guess it's time, My grandma passed away Monday Morning, I think I'm still in denial I don't want it to be true. I spent my whole first year of college with her, nagging at me to get out of bed and go to class, sneaking me money so grandpa wouldn't see it, washing my softball uniform, making me eat so much food, and taking me out for ice cream or shopping just because. She was the most amazing woman always with something to say. She always had a snappy comeback and sometime when she didn't she'd whole up her pinkie as a signal she was flipping you off or if you really made her mad she'd hold up all of her fingers and say "here's a whole weeks worth." I'm not really sure what to do know its crazy that I can't just pick up the phone and call her. And I don't know why but people that I don't even know are telling me I'm sorry to hear about your Grandma and I know how you feel, and I'm like oh really did you know my grandma, No, well then you don't know how I feel. Maybe thats a bit harsh and I know people are trying to be nice and understanding but sometimes it irks me off and I just want to give them the pinkie.

My mom's been out there for almost 3 weeks and she was there with her when she died. The whole family is flying out tomorrow. Including Cameron, she's bailing out of Canada for a few days and then heading back out there after everything. The funerals on Friday.... I've never been to a funeral, I'm not sure what to do or expect. But I guess I'll just have to go with the flow on this. Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.

Love You Grandma!

If tears could build a stairway,
And memories a lane,
I'd walk right up to Heaven
And bring you home again.

Perfectly Lonely?

I can't quite wrap my head around what I'm feeling. Its always a random mix of emotions and I can't pick one out. Sometimes I feel like such a girl and I hate it... but then again thats what I am. I find myself feeling lonely quite often, no matter where I am. Although I have been by myself a lot lately and I don't do anything I sit and think or sit and do school work or I just sit. I feel like time is passing to slowly for me and I just want this whole stupid summer to be over. I want to get away from everything and leave shit behind.

I'm trying to keep a positive attitude but I'm in the mood that says fuck it all. I just want to feel more like my old self. I need to be in the city, I need to be there where I can lose myself and lose my senses for awhile. I want to get lost in the lights and get lost in the sights and the people. I want to feel like nothing will ever stop and that things can last forever. I want to feel crazy free and jump the turn style or ride a city bus or walk around some place I've never been.

I want to forget all the stupid things that have happened in the past and I want to do something completely crazy, I want to sky dive or bungee jump I don't care just something to feel a crazy rush. I want someone to look at me and say you're beautiful. I want to stop telling myself that everything's gonna be okay and I just want it to be okay. I want things to stop turning out for the worst. I want and need all these things but none of them have any sense of happening.

I feel like crying but no tears come out.... I think I'm immune to tears or crying.

I wish my grandma would get better and everything all the cancer would go away, I don't want her to die, but everyday seems like a struggle for her to stay alive. She's one of the strongest woman I know next to my mom, but strength can only last so long. I don't know what I will do without her even though she's 1500 miles away from me I feel her close to me. There are just so many built up emotions running through me that I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and keep screaming until I can't anymore. My heads a jumbled mess and I don't remember the last time it wasn't. I thought I had everything set and things where going great but here I am again right back down to the place I was before.

I'm ready for a new life, I'm ready for a new beginning, I'm ready for new people, I'm ready for new places, lets face it I'm ready for NEW.